Ingham County Jail Tales

Official link to Inmate Guide in PDF from Sheriff's site

2009-05-08T13:26:00.007-04:00

Dear NOEMIS: Are you official? This is the message that the mysterious Noemis sent me:

This guide is available from the following link: http://www.ingham.org/SH/pdf/inmateguide.pdf

I checked that PDF version of the Guide out, and it looks legit. I'm glad the Sheriff's Office no longer considers the Inmate Guide a classsified document. It looks like Ingham County Jail Tales has had a positive impact!

For the record, here is a screen shot of the Sheriff's home page, which serves as the starting point for information about ICJ. This is what the page looked like in 2007:

Click for a full-size image. Now, here's the Sheriff's home page as of this week:

Ingham County Jail apparently publishes it own inmate guide

2009-05-08T12:14:00.003-04:00

The Ingham County Jail publishes an "Inmate Guide" which they are supposed to give to every new inmate.

They didn't give me one. When I found out the Guide exists, I asked for one, and got one.

When my attorney visited, he asked for a copy of the Guide. The guard refused to give him one, saying the Guide is only for inmates.

When I got out of jail, I couldn't find the Guide online, so I scanned it in, and put it online for inmates, their families, their friends, and the public to see: http://inghamjail.blogspot.com/2009/02/official-ingham-county-jail-inmate.html

Today I received a comment from someone under the screen name of Noemis, with a link to a PDF version of the Guide.

I will gladly link to this version of the Guide if Noemis will identify himself or herself to me, so I can check to be sure this PDF is the real deal. For instance, the real Guide has signatures of the Sheriff and the Chief Judge. This copy is unsigned.

Noemis, if you're for real, tell me who you are, who you work for, and convince me that this is the actual, official guide. And can you assure me that this URL will work forever?

ICJ's latest inmate: drunk driver who killed mother and son

2009-04-22T11:43:00.006-04:00

A very sad story and a new inmate in the Ingham County Jail: Daniel Burwell of Lansing, accused of being intoxicated when he drove his vehicle through a red light and struck a car with a mother and her son returning a video tape.

It's even sadder to read the comments posted in the Lansing State Journal's online edition, such as:

Dan is not a good man, I know him on a personal level, he has always been a scared little coward with everything he has ever done.

and

theguyoverthere wrote:
and when was the begining lets see, you maybe spent 4hrs with him total before he stole your girl, so now you have a grudge, i dont not in anyway condone what he did, i do not agree with it, its was wrong, but to say he was on drugs and things of that nature well you got him all wrong. Sure he went through an experimental stage but that has long been over. alchohol was always his vice and its a shame that it was like that. i know exactly what your talking about but you dont seem to remember i was there also. dont talk to me about things you dont know. look how angry you get, its because you cant manage your hate, deal with it, he is gone, deal with it, you talk so much crap after the fact but where were you prior, no where in site, he will get what he deserves it will not make the family feel any better, be productive and support the cause, drunk driving is serious, join the cause to fight the crime, stop complaining and act for once
4/22/2009 11:15:25

I wonder how he's being treated in jail. Do they have him in isolation, or suicide watch? If he's with other inmates, I wonder how they are treating him.

Here's the link to the full Lansing State Journal article.

Sheriff Wriggelsworth embraces tethers instead of jail

2009-03-30T05:59:00.005-04:00

Awesome news: Ingham County chooses to punish some people without putting them in jail.

Running a jail is mother's milk for a sheriff. The Ingham County Jail has been overcrowded for years. One obvious reason is that there are people in jail who pose no threat to society.

But many of the people that the State of Michigan feels it must punish do not need to be locked up. The Lansing State Journal recently reported that the ICJ has launched a new program using house arrest and electronic tethers. That article didn't quote the Sheriff. Now, WILX TV, NBC Channel 10 in Lansing, quotes Sheriff Gene Wriggelsworth, in support of the new program.
See: Special Report: Jail Without Bars.

Here are the money quotes:

"We've suffered under horrible numbers. Sometimes over 100 people more than we should have," says Ingham County Sheriff Gene Wriggelsworth.

....

"If you'd asked me 40 years ago if i thought it was a good idea to let people who were supposed to be in jail go out on a tether, I'd have told you you were nuts."

Very good news: ICJ adopts home arrest

2009-03-12T07:39:00.009-04:00

Yesterday's Lansing State Journal carried some very good news on the front page: the Ingham County Jail will use electronic tethers to place non-violent inmates under house arrest.

This is great news, surprisingly enlightened for ICJ. It means that folks in jail for failure to pay child support or similar non-violent crimes can, as deputy Greg Harless says:

It enables us to free up more beds for the people who truly need to be in jail.

The program allows folks locked in-house to go to work and to make other essential trips at times of day permitted.

Unfortunately, the official Ingham County Sheriff's Web site offers zero, zilch, no information about this important new program. Apparently the Sheriff thinks it's his job to give an interview to the LSJ, and not to publish vital information to folks who need to know.

Sadly, the LSJ has recently reorganized their Web site, destroying access to news articles within the last year. Since I don't trust the LSJ to keep their own content online for any length of time, here's Kevin Grascha's entire article in text:

March 11, 2009
Ingham Co. jail inmates may opt for house arrest
Prisoners pay $8 or more daily for electronic tethers
Kevin Grasha kgrasha@lsj.com
MASON

- For as little as $8 a day, some Ingham County Jail inmates now can sleep in their own beds. A new program, which began Jan. 19, allows qualified nonviolent inmates to choose house arrest, their whereabouts monitored 24 hours a day by an electronic tether they wear, rather than be held at the jail.
And there is no direct cost to the county. The program is funded through fees paid by offenders who use it. It is intended to help ease overcrowding at the Mason facility - a longtime problem that typically leads to hundreds of inmates being released each month before they complete their sentences.
"It enables us to free up more beds for the people who truly need to be in jail," said Ingham County sheriff's Chief Deputy Greg Harless. Qualified inmates who have served 50 percent of their sentences may opt for electronic monitoring at home. Also eligible are qualified inmates waiting for their cases to go to court. A judge now can set a bond or give the person the option to pay for electronic monitoring.
The program is available for people charged with or convicted of most nonviolent crimes. An inmate has to be able to pay for the program, which typically costs between $8 and $16 a day, depending on the person's monthly income. There also is a $45 enrollment fee. Harless said the eventual goal is to have more than 100 inmates using it.
Those charged with or convicted of criminal sexual conduct, assault and other violent crimes are not eligible to be released on electronic monitoring. The jail lists more than 125 offenses - from arson to home invasion to unlawful possession of a firearm - that are not eligible for the program.
Inmates set free
Last year, the jail set free 2,011 inmates before they completed their sentences, in order to not exceed the maximum allowed by the state. The jail's capacity is 665,
although the county rents 193 beds to the Michigan Department of Corrections, leaving 472 beds for the Ingham County courts.
The jail houses people sentenced for misdemeanors, as well as nonviolent felonies. Also, anyone awaiting trial or sentencing for any crime, who is not free on bond, is held at the jail.
As of Friday, 22 people were enrolled in the program. Six successfully completed it. Three did not and were re-jailed.
Ingham County Chief Circuit Judge William Collette said having jail beds available allows judges to fully punish people convicted even of misdemeanors, such as spousal
abuse and drunken driving.
"When you lose that ability, I think society goes downhill," he said.
Calif.-based service
A California-based company, Sentinel Offender Services, runs the electronic monitoring program. A center in Irvine, Calif. keeps track of the electronic monitoring devices at all times. A case manager for the company is based at the jail.
The monitoring device, a tether, is strapped to an ankle. If the person goes too far from home, the monitoring center is notified, then authorities are notified.
People, however, can be eligible to go away from home - to work, church or the grocery store - during pre-arranged times of day. Violators are sent back to jail and
lose credit for the time they spent on electronic monitoring.
Another option for electronic monitoring is to have a global positioning system that can track an offender's every move. With the GPS system, the offender must carry a cell
phone, which communicates with the ankle bracelet.
The phone and the bracelet have to be within so many feet of each other, said Amanda Bergquist, case manager for Sentinel Offender Services.
Although the monitoring is restrictive, "they get to sleep in their own beds and eat their own food," Bergquist said.

Additional Facts

Tether fees

• Fees begin at $8 a day, but can
increase depending on the inmate's monthly income. The typical range is $8 to
$16 a day. There also is a $45 enrollment fee.

A look inside the Ingham County Jail

2009-03-11T10:54:00.005-04:00

I found a YouTube video that gives a brief glimpse inside the ICJ. This video may be useful for folks wanting to visualize what it's like inside the Mason Marriott; however, it's not entirely accurate -- the narrator describes cells in regular dorms while showing footage of a holding cell. The regular cells have metal bunk beds, not the concrete you endure in the holding cells, and the regular dorms have conventional flush toilets and sinks, not the unpleasant metal combo toilet-sinks found in the holding cells.

He also underestimates the average inmate count by 100.

Still, the footage gives you a bit of an idea.

The official "Ingham county jail Inmate guide"

2008-10-31T19:24:00.002-04:00

If you've landed here from Google or the like, this may not be the post you want. Please start reading Ingham County Jail Tales from the very beginning.

This post publishes for you the official guide for inmates at the Ingham County Jail. The words are what the ICJ publishes in a brochure handed to each inmate upon incarceration. (Well, actually, the Jail often fails to give a new inmate a printed copy of their Guide upon incarceration, but who's counting?)

For some reason, the ICJ treats their inmate guide as confidential. They won't give it out to friends and family, and it's not available on the Sheriff's Web site. You would think that an enlightened ICJ would want everyone -- inmate, friend, family, lawyer, probation officer, judge, public -- to all be on the same page. Much of the inspiration for this blog is to redress the ICJ's failure to provide complete information to the inmate, and to all who surround him or her.

Since the ICJ refuses to publish their Inmate Guide in paper or online, I'm providing it here. Note that in addition I've tried to provide other important information that the Guide fails to offer. If elsewhere on this blog I've gotten anything wrong. or omitted something you need to know, please tell me. If the ICJ has failed to provide information you seek, let the SHeriff's office know.

Each page is a separate image. Click on a page image to see it in a more readable size, or to print it.

Leaving the jail

2008-10-30T22:18:00.008-04:00

You will eventually leave ICJ for one of these reasons:

You've completed your sentence. Or, at sentencing, the judge reduces your sentence to time already served in jail.
You go to trial and you are found innocent, or charges against you are dropped.
You've posted bail, or you are released on your own recognizance (ROR) awaiting trial or a hearing.
You've been found guilty of a felony, and you will be transferred to prison.
You've got a charge in another county, and you'll be transferred to that county.
You died. (Fortunately, a very small percent of inmates leave jail dead.)
The governor pardons you. (This is even less likely than dying in jail; most gubernatorial pardons involve prison inmates serving hard time for a long time.)

If you leave to be transferred to another facility, your life probably won't be changing much. You may have to adapt to different rules and procedures. And of course you'll meet a new set of inmates.

If you've completed your sentence or otherwise are released, you will be cast free just yards from Cedar Street. They may let you out during the wee hours of the morning. In fact they love to do this; it seems to be a standard practice. (A lot of inmates think that the ICJ gets state money for another full day if you leave at 12:01 a.m., but I'm told that's not true.) Still, if you leave early, they don't have the cost of feeding you, and it frees your bed for the next incoming inmate

The guard will have you carry your mattress, pillow, and linens back to the storage area. If you've accumulated a lot of personal belongings, you'll schlep along with those, too. Let's hope you made a large order from the Commissary, so you'll have a large plastic bag to carry your belongings.

Whatever cash you came in with was converted into your inmate account. The jail will issue you a check for the balance left in your account, reflecting any deposits by your friends and family, and any expenditures, such as purchases from the Commissary.

Since you're likely to be set free during early morning hours, the check is probably useless at this time. What a concept: on entry they convert your cash into your account, and on exit they give you a check. (Hint to ICJ: why not issue a debit card with the remaining balance, like welfare does?) Mason State Bank is right across the street, combined with a Biggby's Coffee, so you could try their ATM.

Eventually a guard will direct you back to the "dress out" area. The trustees on duty will fetch your street clothes, still in the bag where you placed them the day you arrived at ICJ. You'll turn in your uniform and get back into your street clothes. It's a funny feeling at this point; you begin to feel a sense of liberty. If you entered the jail on a warm day but you're leaving in winter, ask the guard if he can get you a used coat to wear.

Next, at the wire cage, they'll make you sign some papers. They will also present you with a bill, which may be $1200 for 30 days in jail. State law allows the jail to charge you a daily fee to pay for your stay at the Mason Hilton. Let's see... 1200 divided by 30 = $40 -- not bad for a Hilton.

Now you can use the free land line phone to call for a ride -- if you've got friend or family who might be willing to pick you up. Unlike the phones you pay for in your dorm, this phone can call cell phones -- which is a neccessity for reaching a lot of people.

Then they'll buzz you out through the security door to the garage where you first entered. You will feel very odd sensations: the rush of freedom, and the dread of what's ahead.

Hopefully you've got a ride. If not, hopefully you turned off your cell phone when you checked in, and can call someone to pick you up. Or, a CATA bus route stops at the nearby Meijer -- which is a hike from the jail. Otherwise, start walking towards where you want to go -- if you have somewhere to go.

Good luck!

Overcrowding -- and early release

2008-10-29T00:15:00.002-04:00

The population of ICJ fluctuates constantly. Newly-arrested inmates add to the population as newly-released ones subtract from it. Some inmates have been sentenced to weekend jail -- a humane attempt to keep people in their jobs. They check in on Friday night and are released Sunday night -- which adds up to 3 days off your sentence as ICJ counts. Some inmates get released on bail only to return later when sentenced.

The limit on the number of inmates seems to be a combination of state law, court decisions, and policy. When the ICJ population exceeds 675 or so, the place is considered overcrowded. When this happens, the jail begins early release of inmates. Those who are within a few days of their scheduled out-date may be released. Jail workers (aka trustees) are at the top of the pecking order for early release.

You'll hear lots of rumors as to whether the jail is overcrowded. Don't believe them. One rumor comes from the kitchen crew, citing how many meals were served that day. This isn't reliable, as the staff get meals, and the ebb and flow of new and released inmates may count more people than will sleep in the jail that night.

One aspect of overcrowding is permanent: the ICJ regularly puts some inmates on the floor, sleeping in the common area or "day room" that's supposed to be more like a living room. This allows ICJ to bed, for instance, 10 people in a dorm intended for 8. The floor isn't so bad, but you will want to snatch the mop when it comes so you can clean around your mattress.

In any event, the ICJ operates a balancing act: because of financial incentives, they want to keep the inmate count at capacity. But because of circumstances they can't control -- who knows how many people will be arrested tonight -- the jail will sometime go over their limits. When that happens, they have something like 3 days to reduce the inmate count. And when that happens, it may be to your benefit.

Speaking of early release, the jail may let you out just after midnight, or in the wee hours of the morning. You may have some trouble getting a ride home -- assuming you have a home to go to. See the post on Leaving the jail.

You be the judge: should this guard be fired?

2008-10-28T20:21:00.004-04:00

Did you ever see "The Silence of the Lambs"? Did you think it was just not believable that an inmate could hide a sharp object, then use it to viciously stab a guard? Sadly, that scenario is going to play out someday at the Ingham County Jail.

As we've learned, about 1/4 of the guards at the Ingham County Jail are assholes, and they don't give a damn whether your meds are properly dispensed. One of the these is particularly lazy about meds, and her actions put her fellow guards, and herself, in danger.

Now for the Hannibal Lecter story and its parallel to this particular guard. This guard enables exactly the scenario from that movie. A certain inmate has diabetes. This means he needs to prick his finger with a blade to draw some blood, test his blood sugar, and use a hypodermic needle to inject insulin -- twice a day.

Let's assume this guy is gay, which in this case happens to be true. There is nothing wrong with that, except that in this case he was in jail awaiting sentencing on sex-related crime. Hell, for that matter, we're all jail inmates, which means that any of us may have questionable social behaviors. You don't want to be exposed to any inmate's blood, and you don't want a fellow inmate to have a needle in his hands without supervision.

So, if there's a diabetic in your dorm, every morning most guards will bring a medical kit about the size of a lunch pail, set it down for the inmate, and watch as he pricks his finger, bleeds, and then reads his blood sugar. Then the inmate takes a hypodermic needle and injects his required dose of insulin. The guard may do this outside the dorm -- probably using the meds cart he has with him as a table -- or inside your dorm, on the table where you will soon eat.

Understand that the jail, with good reason, is paranoid about any pieces of metal -- especially sharp metal, or metal that could be sharpened. If your lawyer gives you a manilla envelope with a brass clasp, the guard will nervously rip the clasp away before you take the envelope back to your cell. Any time you return from outside jail -- work duty, a court date, a hospital stay -- you are strip searched to make sure you don't have a weapon, including sharp objects.

But this one guard apparently never saw "Silence of the Lambs." She's lazy. When she comes through to give this dude his insulin, she drops off the needle kit for the inmate, and leaves the dorm so she can service other dorms! She may not return for 30 minutes.

This means our fellow inmate has every opportunity to hide a hypodermic needle. The needle kit includes a secure disposal receptacle for used needles; there's no way for the guard to know later if the inmate really has deposited his used needle properly.

The guys in my dorm talked this over. It was a low-security group, and no one, not even our diabetic dude, seemed disposed to violence against a guard. But ICJ has one amazingly stupid guard who repeatedly gave easy access to a potential weapon -- day after day. I don't know about you, but I think a guard who leaves sharp, possibly lethal objects in the hands of an inmate, and then moves on to other work, should be disciplined or fired. My guess is that once her fellow guards realize this, they'll feel the same way.

More broadly, ICJ needs to think through their procedures for diabetic inmates. Do you really want some random guy bleeding on your breakfast table or over your meds?

Court dates and probation

2008-10-27T10:43:00.000-04:00

You may be in jail awaiting trial, or a hearing because you're accused of a probation violation. Here's a few things you should know.

First off, several of my fellow inmates worried themselves sick about whether they'd make their court date. This is understandable: when you're in jail, most of your time is sitting waiting for the next milestone. This includes days, weeks, or months of nothing but waiting. So some inmates work themselves into a lather, afraid the jail won't deliver them to the court at the appointed hour.

Don't worry. The ICJ is very efficient at delivering you to your court appointment.

If your court appointment happens to be at the 55th District Court, the courtroom is in a building attached to the jail. The guards will shackle you -- whether you are a violent offender or not -- and take you down a long connector hallway to the court. They'll place you in a holding cell while you await your court appearance. If you're in another court, you'll be taken there, escorted, in an ICJ van.

If it happens to be cold outside, you will freeze in the hallway and in the holding cell. One court guard, who is otherwise very friendly -- even compassionate -- has a bug about inmates staring out the window of the holding cell. If any of your fellows awaiting court stands by the door window, the guard will turn on a fan bringing in outside air.

The guard will remove your shackles while you're in the holding cell, then shackle you again when it's time for you to head into court. If you're a non-violent offender, you may wonder why O.J. Simpson made it through murder and armed robbery trials without cuffs, but you stand before the judge unable to even raise your right hand.

When your time comes, you'll be taken into court. There will probably be a trial or hearing in progress, so once again you await your turn. Then you and your attorney -- either paid or court-appointed -- will face the judge.

After your trial or hearing, you'll go back to the holding cell with other inmates. You may wait hours to leave the holding cell. They'll feed you a bologna sandwich lunch if you stay across meal time.

Depending on the verdict or sentence, you may be set free. You'll go back to your cell, get your belongings, and be processed out. See the "leaving jail" post in this blog for further information.

If the judge doesn't set you free, you'll head back to your cell. If you're sentenced to time in jail, you'll eventually be moved to a sentenced dorm. The main difference: no television. If you're sentenced to prison, within a few days you'll be escorted to a van and hauled to another slammer.

...

Probation is a topic that could fill an entire blog of its own. They say that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I won't claim that your PO is corrupt, but it's clear that she or he -- most of them are women, for some reason -- exults in her power, and will gladly exercising that power over every aspect of your life, not just the crime you committed. She'll have you arrested and hauled to jail on any hint of a possible probation violation. Unless you make bail, you'll rot in jail until your hearing date comes up.

I met many inmates, some of whom have been through the criminal justice system multiple times, who said they'd gladly spend 30 or 60 days in jail instead of enduring 2 years of probation. Speaking from experience, I can suggest that if you've already lost your job, doing time may be a much better deal than probation.

Bailing out

2008-10-26T20:17:00.002-04:00

If you are awaiting trial the judge will usually set bail. The amount of bail could be as low as a couple hundred dollars, or it could be $50,000 or more.

If it's a small amount, or if you are wealthy, you may simply post the entire cash amount of your bail. Assuming you show up for trial, you'll get your money back in full.

If you can't afford to post cash bail, you can work with a bail bondsman. A bondsman is in the business of making bets -- that you won't skip town while out on bail. Typically the bondsman charges a fee of 10% of the amount of your bail. Note that you don't get this money back. It's a fee for their service of guaranteeing 10 times that amount to the court.

For some reason, one agency, Leo's, seems to dominate the market among bail bondsmen. Apparently Leo aggressively seeks your business. Some say that Leo may negotiate a fee of less than 10%. Others say Leo will let you use your home as collateral. In any event, it seems that Leo may be your man.

If you're lucky, the court may release you on your own recognizance -- ROR -- which simply means your name is sufficient guarantee to satisfy the court.

Note that judges may set the bond ridiculously high as a way of keeping you in jail. I went from a $300 bail to $30,000 after a probation violation. The judge knew well that I was not suddenly 100 times more likely to skip town or cause harm to society -- the two reasons why bail exists. She was using a high bail to punish me. Hmmm, didn't the founding fathers write something into the Constitution about excessive bail?

Working for the Ingham County Jail -- cut your time in jail in half ce in half

2008-10-25T02:07:00.000-04:00

There's lots of work to do at the jail. They have to feed 700 or so inmates plus jail staff; take care of the inside and outside of the jail and the 55th District Court; clean the cages at the adjacent Animal Shelter; wash all of the police vehicles; clean cells at Lansing's city jail; serve the Drain Commission; take care of the fairgrounds -- and more. Over 100 inmates are jail workers.

The familiar term for an inmate worker is "trustee" but it seems ICJ just calls them "jail workers."

If during your incarceration you want to become a jail worker, you need to fill out a kite asking to be considered for worker status. The incentive to become a worker is huge: you will live in a much nicer dorm, and you will get one extra day off your sentence for each day served, cutting your remaining time in half.

If you're picked to be a worker, you'll move to Post 10. You'll find this dorm much nicer than the dungeon you came from. It's brightly lit and has friendly linoleum instead of bare concrete. The dorm is set up barracks style, with 20 or so people in each room.

You will be given a locker and told to lock it religiously. You will be given two uniforms. Each night you can have clothes laundered; this allows you to wear fresh clothes -- desirable if you're working the outside world.

Some workers work the night shift -- laundry for instance -- and they have their own dorm area. The rest start their work day at 6:00 a.m. The head guard on duty will call out each worker type needed over the intercom:

Inside maintenance
Outside maintenance
Animal Control
Drain Commission
Garage
Etc.

You will have been assigned a job category. It's your job to wake up when they call out "Animal Control" or whatever category is starting work. Make your bed, and get your ass to work. (The worker post, Post 10, demands that your bed be made military style.) If you're lucky you'll be assigned to the Garage. This is by far the easiest job. Your job is to wash the fleet of sheriff police cars. Your work day is from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Often you'll be done at lunch time. Some days you won't even be called to work. Other workers will mock you for not working a real job. (On the other hand, you may be loaned out for more onerous work -- like helping Outside Maintenance shovel snow.)

You will find that most of your fellow worker-inmates want to work. You will also find that some of the young inmates are total slackers. This is something you will have to cope with: young slackers who'd rather goof off instead of actually working.

When you move to Post 10 you'll also discover that they feed you better. They give a sandwich in addition to the cooked meal, and, for crews that have worked especially hard that day, they will call your crew and give each member an entire extra hot meal. Obviously someone figured out that if you've got people doing hard physical labor, you have to give them calories to sustain them.

You'll also be given two orange uniforms instead of one. You have nightly laundry service -- both uniforms and whites. Obviously they want their trustees to look clean when working in public.

All in all, working for the jail is a good deal. However, there is a huge sword hanging over your head: screw up, and you may lose all you'd gained. While I was in jail, a fellow inmate on worker status was assigned to the Lansing jail. He spied a woman -- an attractive one in a business suit, he said -- deposit a cigarette on the outside receptacle. He picked up the cigarette -- still smoking -- and puffed on it.

Unfortunately a guard inside saw this, and reported him. ICJ revoked his worker status and sent him back to the general population. A few puffs on a cigarette cost this dude 100 days of freedom.

Women in jail

2008-10-24T09:58:00.000-04:00

Since I'm not a woman my knowledge of the situation for women in ICJ is limited. There are women in jail, but they are a fraction of the population.

Sometimes you hear female voices from their dorms, if someone's rowdy or there's an argument. (Just imagine a movie with this theme.)

Some male dorms may have a vantage point where you can see women -- a window view not totally obscured, or a common door with a keyhole view. (The locks in jail are huge -- and the keys are huge, thus the keyholes are as well.) If you have such a view, and the women know it, some of them may flash their tits for you.

The Commissary carries prooducts for females: bras and panties, tampons, etc.

Windows

2008-10-23T09:50:00.002-04:00

The windows in the dorms are mostly opaque. If the windows are open during warm weather, you may catch a glimpse of blue sky, but for the most part, you can't see outside.

Take note: 99% of the time, you can't see outside. You can't see a tree, whether fall, winter, spring, or summer. Therefore every glance of outdoors you encounter is a gift to enjoy.

In areas outside your dorm, such as hallways and Medical, the windows are clear glass. Any trip outside your cell provides the precious gift of seeing a bit of the outside world. If you're sent to Medical and they park you in a holding cell with windows, take advantage of this, and keep your eyes glued to the outside, instead of watching TV all the time.

If it's cold outside, the windows in your dorm will be closed -- the guard carries a hand crank to open or close the windows. It gets pretty close in the dorm with the windows shut, so someone will ask to crack open a window. Here's a tip: if you are sleeping on the floor during winter, be sure to have the guard close the window at night. Otherwise you will freeze.

Fights

2008-10-22T09:32:00.000-04:00

Let's face it: if you're in jail, you're not hanging out with the best people our society coughs up. Some of these guys have short tempers. When they're playing the card game Hearts, someone may get really pissed off at his partner, and a fight -- or the threat of a fight -- flashes before you.

If a fight occurs, sometimes it takes place in the common area, and sometimes they take it inside a dorm room.

After the fight, if you show visible wounds, a guard will ask you what happened. It seems to be unwritten code that if you say you fell into a door, the question is dropped, no matter how ridiculous that story is.

Time off for good behavior is a powerful incentive against fights. You could lose your accumulated time off -- and when you're in jail, you count every minute until your release. Therefore many times the potential combatants mouth off about

Alcoholics Anonymous, CATS, church, and other inmate improvement programs

2008-10-21T20:40:00.001-04:00

The ICJ offers a variety of programs intended to help inmates improve their lives. You should sign up for as many of these as you think will in fact help you. You might hope the program helps you deal with your issues, but just getting out of your dorm and having serious discussions with your fellow inmates can be worth a lot.

Sadly, the ICJ does a poor job of providing you with information about the various programs. There's scant information in the official inmate guide.

If alcohol is a problem for you, you may want to attend AA meetings while in jail. Fill out a kite for this request. It may take a while to get in. You'll meet once a week, with inmates from throughout the jail and a meeting chairperson from the outside who's volunteered to do this task. One rumor is that one of the volunteer chairs is in his seventies, has decades of sobriety, and lives hundreds of miles away, but makes the trip once a week because it's his form of service back to the community.

You'll find that the tone of the meeting is somehow different than most AA meetings on the outside. The stories are more intense, the situations more dire. (And things can be pretty dire for folks at AA meetings outside.

You may also be encouraged to sign up for a program called CATS. In fact, your judge may order you to attend CATS. The kite form has a category labeled CATS, so circle that on your kite and explain you want to attend. The program usually is oversubscribed, so once again you may have to wait a while. When they finally let you into this group therapy program, you'll get one day's credit for each weekly meeting you attend.

By the way, your judge and your guard and others may use the word CATS, but many don't know what it means. The official jail guide doesn't define this acronym. For the record, it's "Correctional Assessment and Treatment Services. "

Various churches offer services or meetings at the jail. If you're at all religious, sign up to attend. The officiants tend to be right wing proselytizers, but that's OK if you want to participate in a religious event. The jail has a chapel where you're meet; it's got a huge cross where the altar might be, so it's obviously bent towards Christians. Again, even if this isn't your brand of religion, if you are religious, I advise you to sign up.

The jail offers other programs to improve your life. For instance, there's a program for you to complete your high school education via GED. Go for it. To quote a corny line, "While you serve time, make the time serve you."

Books, newspapers, and magazines

2008-10-20T10:13:00.000-04:00

There are probably a few books floating around in your dorm. Authors like John Grisham and James Patterson are popular. You'll hunger to read even if those aren't your genre.

You can also get books from friends and family. All they have to do is drop them off at the visitor's desk. They should write your name on the first page of the book. The Chaplain will review each book to ensure that it doesn't cover forbidden topics -- like breaking out of jail. This will take a day or two.

Be specific when you ask a friend to drop off a book or tow. Either give the specific title, or make it very clear what genre you seek. Page-turners like detective tales may appeal more than, say, self-help books while you're in jail.

Speaking of self-help, the ICJ does nothing to give to basic texts, such as the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud, or the Big Book from Alcoholics Anonymous. If nothing else, the Commissary should sell these books. Better yet, the ICJ should have copies available for loan. I filled out multiple kites trying to get someone to loan me a Big Book. They went unanswered.

The rules say an inmate may only possess three books at a time, but I saw no sign that this rule is enforced. In theory you're supposed to mail extra books home or donate them to the library.

It's very handy if someone in your dorm subscribes to a newspaper. The Lansing State Journal, as pathetic as it may be, provides useful information. You can read how a given judge is sentencing for cases similar to yours, giving you an idea of your own fate. Inmates also like to read about prominent cases of fellow inmates. And the crossword is a nice way to while away time.

If you really want to confuse your fellow inmates, then subscribe to The New York Times. Your fellows won't know what the hell it is; they'll think you're from New York. It's got a lot to read, so it offers another time sink.

You can buy magazines at the Commissary. The selection is slim. Somehow a copy of Glamour magazine made its way to our dorm. The guys weren't interested in most of the articles but the profile of Penelope Cruz was popular.

Mail

2008-10-19T19:38:00.000-04:00

A lot of inmates take a lot of comfort in sending and receiving mail. The ICJ limits you to receiving post cards -- they claim that it takes too much staff resources to screen letters in envelopes for contraband. You can receive envelopes with legal papers if your attorney uses envelopes imprinted with their office letterhead.

When it comes to sending, you can mail out either post cards or letters in envelopes. Pre-stamped post cards and pre-stamped envelopes are available for purchase from the Commissary. You'll get very good at writing in very small print to get the most out of each post card.

A special category of mail is between inmates at the jail. I met a young man who was incarcerated at the same time his girlfriend was. (Kid, we'll always have Mason.) Their paths would never cross in jail, unless maybe both were in CATS or AA together. So they sent each other post cards in the U.S. Mail. ICJ encourages this practice. Keep in mind that your fellow inmate can't receive envelopes, so you'll have to use post cards.

Visitors

2008-10-19T02:05:00.001-04:00

I was going to call this article "visitation" but a friend tells me that that term applies to what happens at funeral homes. You're not dead yet, so let's explore what it's like to get visitors at the jail.

The ICJ allows visitors one day a week, based on your last name. Call the jail to find out what day you can visit, based on the first letter of the inmate's last name.

ICJ allows two visitors at a time. I met a doctor inmate who has a wife and three kids. His wife had to pick one child each week to join in the visit.

Now for the nuance about the rules you need to understand. There are two visitation periods on the day your letter is up -- afternoon and evening. But you are allowed one visit that day.

Just like in the movies, you'll go into a sealed area and face, through a window, your friends or loved ones. You'll talk through a telephone. You'll have 15-20 minutes of talk time.

This means that if someone shows up, let's say, at 2:00 p.m., another person showing up at 8:oo p.m. will be denied a visit. Two visitors per week -- and one visitation. Therefore one early visitor forecloses any other later ones. The rule is cruel; I met a doctor in jail for prescribing drugs to himself who has a wife and three kids. His wife had to rotate among the kids, because she could bring only one of them on each visit.

In order for someone to visit an inmate, he or she needs to fill out a kite listing each person's name and affiliation with you. I met some inmates who gamed the system -- they added and subtracted various girlfriends so they could see one at a time. (Many inmates brag that they are "players" -- openly having multiple sex partners.) If your life is less complicated than that, you still want to encourage friends and family to coordinate their visits so as not to cross paths and cause disappointment.

It's best for you to be as upbeat as you can. I observed one young man who walked into the room all full of attitude. He proceeded to berate his young girlfriend and talk about how much life sucked and how she wasn't supporting him enough. I don't think his attitude was helping either of them.

By the way, your attorney can visit at any time. If you have a friend who is an attorney and he or she wants to visit, advise your barrister to come as an attorney, not a visitor. That way, it won't cost you that week's visit.

Cleaning chores

2008-10-18T00:36:00.000-04:00

Each morning at about 5:30, before breakfast, your sally porter will bring you a broom, a mop bucket with mop, a hand spray bottle of sanitizer, and a few -- like 5 -- sheets of paper towels. They repeat this routine in the afternoon.

You and your fellow inmates are expected to keep the dorm clean. Some of your fellow inmates may be lazy and never contribute to the work, but most will help out.

Some of your fellows will lecture you. Many of us, not used to mopping floors daily, will slop too much soapy water on the floor. They'll advise you how to properly wring the mop.

And if you make the mistake of mopping the bathroom first, they'll point out that that floor likely has urine residue. Do you really want to spread it everywhere else? Mop the bathroom last.

I used the hand spray bottle liberally, disinfecting the two tables in the dorm as well as the phone, light switches, faucet handles, etc.

During the middle of the night, a jail worker will come through and scrub the shower with disinfectant. The ICJ is worried about a form of staph that's drug resistant. That's comforting, but you should wear your plastic sandals when you take a shower.

You'll actually be surprised how much attention your fellow inmates pay to sanitation. My guess is the jail dorm is at least as clean as the average shower room at a health club.

Phones

2008-10-16T21:57:00.002-04:00

When I was at ICJ, the phones sucked. They often couldn't complete the call. If they did complete the call, you heard horrible static on the line. Sometimes days and weeks went by when inmates could not place calls. All the guards could say is "They're working on it." Rumor is the ICJ contracted with a small company who had no clue about running a phone system.

Every dorm has a phone. You need a phone card to place a call, unless you call collect. You fill out a kite under the category "Phones" and specify how much you want. Typically you'll buy one or more $10 cards.

If you do call collect, whoever you're calling may freak out when they hear the automated announcement "call from Ingham County Jail" and not answer the call. The free phone in the front lobby can call cell phones. but you can only use this phone on the way in, or on the way out. At least that means you can reach a friend or family member in their car to pick you up.

The phone card charges a large cost per call -- like $1.50 -- and then a charge of several cents per minute. It's weighted heavily towards you making a few calls because of the large up-front cost per call.

You can't call cell phones, which means if your friends have all gone with cell instead of land line, you are screwed. You can't leave a message on voice mail, because the person you call has to hit a button on the phone to indicate that her or she wants to accept your call.

A lot of inmates have different theories as to call pricing, most of them wrong.

You need to send post cards to make requests of friends and family, even if you get through on the phone. You need to be very careful and very specific as to what you need for them to do. Even if your friends have the best intentions, the least little mistake can set you back for days. Expect your interactions with the outside world to operate on days and weeks just to accomplish the simplest transaction.

Medical treatment

2008-10-15T20:53:00.001-04:00

When you first check into the jail, you'll be asked if you want to go to Medical and have a cursory physical exam. Many people turn this down, but I think it's a good idea. They may uncover something that needs attention, like high blood pressure. Also, any excuse to get out of your dorm is worth it.

You'll also go to Medical for a TB skin test if you apply to work at the jail. In case you've never had one: they inject a small amount of bacterium protein just under your skin. A couple of days later, they call you back to interpret the results. A negative result will be a reddish area smaller than a mosquito bite. A positive result will be a much larger red area.

If you have the flu or some other malady, you can ask to be taken to Medical. They may charge you $25 for the visit -- and for each visit where you see a dentist or nurse practitioner. They can prescribe medicines if need be. (Interestingly, the bottles say "May be refilled until 12/15/nn" which is probably a lot longer than you could refill most scripts from a regular doctor.)

When you go to Medical, you'll usually be part of a batch of prisoners marched together to sick bay. They will put you in a waiting room with concrete benches. Don't get into a loud conversation in the holding cell; the guard for this area is hypersensitive to noise, and will punish you by putting you in a holding cell until the end of his shift.

If you have a medical emergency, you'll be taken to the hospital, treated, and when you're better, brought back to jail. I met one inmate who had a heart pacemaker installed during his stay. Your emergency has to be pretty severe. One roommate was in excruciating pain due to an abcessed tooth. The guards, noting that he was due to be released in 2 days, and this was a Saturday night, gave him some Tylenol and told him to tough it out.

There are times when you and your fellow inmates may demand that a fellow inmate go to Medical. At one point we had a dude who had pustles all over his back, and one of us found him popping these boils in the bathroom. We told him, and the guards, that he needed to go to Medical. They took him and advised that he stop the popping.

The jail store -- aka the commissary -- and what you should buy

2008-10-14T22:11:00.002-04:00

You'll want to order things from the jail's Commissary. To do so, you need money in your jail account. When you checked into the Mason Marriott, they took any cash you had and put it into your account. You also can have friends or family deposit funds into your account. They can do so in person at the jail or over the phone using a credit card.

Note that there are various charges that the ICJ will make against your account, so your actual balance is lower than you may think. If you want to know the current balance of your account, fill out a kite. Also, when you receive your order from the Commissary, you'll get a statement with their idea of your current balance.

To place an order, you'll fill out an SAT-style bubble sheet. You'll provide your inmate number, name, and post/dorm/bed info. You'll order items from a menu they provide you, ordering each item by its catalog number.

Commissary orders are delivered on Wednesday and Saturday. You'll place your orders a couple of days before. The guards and your fellow inmates will keep you apprised of order nights. (Holidays interfere with the schedule. If you're going to be in jail on Christmas Day, for instance, be sure to make an entire week's order just in case.)

Here is a list of items I think you should order. Some of them may surprise you.

Two pairs of underpants, and at least one T-shirt. The T-shirt will be useful not only as a shirt, but also as a cloth you can fold and place over your eyes so you can sleep. You can get your whites washed once a week. A couple of changes of underwear is essential. (Surprisingly, the Commissary's prices on underwear are quite reasonable.)
If it's winter, long johns. The jail is old and leaky and your bed may not be warm.
Underarm deodorant, and deodorant soap. You only get your uniform washed once a week, and, in hot weather, you won't believe how much you stink without these amenities you're used to.
Emery boards. Yes, men, I'm advising you to order emery boards. You can use them to file your nails; it can take days for a guard to loan you nail clippers. You can also use them to sharpen the rubber jail pencils. (Another couple of ways to sharpen your pencils: scrape them along a window screen, or on the non-slip stickers on the bathroom floor.)
Envelopes. Order three or four manilla envelopes. They will be useful in organizing your papers -- legal documents, kites you've sent and gotten back, etc. Also order several pre-stamped envelopes.
Post cards. This will be an essential form of communication. Order 10 post cards to get you started.
Pencils. Order three spare pencils.
A rubber eraser to fit on your pencils.
A writing pad. You can get a ruled pad or a sketch pad with no lines on it. The sketch pad is the better deal -- it's larger, it's better paper, and you can draw or write without the constraint of the lines.
An insulated mug. You can use this for water, coffee, or soup. Plus you'll have a souvenir, with its "Hard Time Cafe" logo mimicking the Hard Rock Cafe.
Hand lotion. The jail's water is rough on skin. Get the large bottle; it's a better buy.

Now, order the food items you might want. Here are some suggestions:

Honey buns. At 85 cents each, these are a cheap way to get some calories while satisfying your sweet tooth.
Peanuts. A nice way to get protein, and the bags are a pretty good value.
Soup. A lot of inmates order soup mixes, and use hot water from the tap to turn them into soup. Inventive inmates may mix the soup with other stuff.
Coffee. A lot of inmates also order coffee; a surprising number of them drink coffee at night. This is a puzzlement; it's lights out at 11:00 p,m., and you'll be up at 6:00 a.m. But most inmates catch naps during the day. In any event, they love their coffee.

Here's a tip on dealing with your pathetic rubber pencils: they bend so much that they break the lead within. If you take the label off your bottle of lotion, and wrap it tightly around the pencil, you'll find that the pencil is much stronger and will last longer without breaking the lead.

If you arrive in jail with no money in your account, the jail will consider you indigent. You'll also be considered indigent if you have less than $2 in your account for 2 weeks. You can order a very limited set of items: paper, pencil, stamped envelop, stamped post car, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, and a comb.

If it's hot outside and you have to wake 2 weeks for deodorant, you'll need to take lots of showers.

Communicating with jail staff -- the "kite"

2008-10-13T19:39:00.000-04:00

If you need to ask a question or make a request, you will fill out a small form called a "kite." Here's what it looks like:

Note that it's labeled "Inmate Request Form" instead of "kite." The guards say "Fill out a kite" not "Fill out an inmate request form." (Hmmm -- so why isn't the form itself labeled "Kite"???)

You circle the appropriate place to route the kite. The choices are a strange mix of topics and people. You'll see and hear the term "CATS" which refers to a program for treating drug or alcohol dependency while in jail. Your judge may have ordered that you participate in CATS. (Mine did. I filled out a kite stating that my judge had ordered me to do so. I received a memo weeks later, two days before I was released, stating that CATS was too full for me.) If you attend CATS, you receive some time off -- one day off per weekly session.

You also can send a kite to the "Chaplin." Film buffs may think of Charlie Chaplin, but it's just the ICJ's pathetic spelling of "chaplain" -- the jail's religious director.

The guards deliberately hold back on giving you blank kites. Clearly they don't want too many kites filled out. They don't want you to bother ICJ staff answering petty questions, so they limit the number of kites you get. Tip: you can use a blank piece of paper and make your own kite.

One common question to submit is to ask when your "out date" is. That's the date when you'll be set free, as calculated based on your sentence and any time off you're earning. Most inmates find out what that date is and hand-draw a calendar, just like in a movie from the 1940s.

If you ask a guard a question about your status, they'll ask you to commit it to writing using a kite. Some guards wait until the end of their shift before forwarding any kites received. Response time varies greatly.

Showers

2008-10-12T18:28:00.002-04:00

Each dorm has a shower. In some dorms it's a one-at-a-time bathroom, with toilet, shower, and sink. In Post 10 you have a large, multi-person bathroom, with showers for 4 at a time. (There are also video cameras watching your every move.)

If you've got 10 in your dorm and 1 bathroom, you run into the same problem as large families. Most of the inmates are polite about asking others before they go into the bathroom, for a long shower or, um, "Number 2."

A long shower can be a nice respite. You are alone, for one thing -- it's a break from inmate chatter, which is constant. Also your neck may hurt from sleeping on the thin mattresses, and a hot shower may help.

In hot weather a daily shower is indispensable. Your fellow inmates -- and the guards -- will remind you if you become too ripe.

I noticed that some inmates would take a plastic chair into the shower and spend an especially long time in the shower. You do the math.

By the way, soon after lights out, a jail worker will come in wearing heavy gloves a scrub brush, and a bucket of disinfectant. From the sounds of it, he scrubs the shower stall thoroughly. Thank God.

Laundry -- It's more important than you think

2008-10-12T13:31:00.000-04:00

You'll get a chance to have your uniform washed once a week, and your "whites" on a different day.

On the appointed day, a night shift jail worker will come by, gather the laundry, take it to the laundry. After they wash the uniforms, a worker will deliver the laundry back to each dorm in the morning.

For the uniform, you'll take yours off near bedtime, and you'll get it back very early in the morning. This allows you to comply with the requirement that you be in uniform whenever in your Day Room or in any other public area in the jail.

For whites -- underwear, towels, wash cloths -- you were given a laundry bag when you checked into the Mason Marriott. It's a small mesh bag large enough to hold a few items of underwear. This is why you should buy at least one spare set of underpants, so you're always wearing a (relatively) clean pair.

You really want to have your uniform cleaned every chance you get -- especially in hot weather, when you become over-ripe in less than a day. And you want your underwear washed every chance you get, for obvious reasons. That's also why I suggest your first order from the Commissary includes extra underwear. You also want your tiny, threadbare towel cleaned.

If you've been "hired" as a jail worker, you are in laundry heaven. They give you two uniforms to wear, so you can swap one out while wearing the other. And they (fellow inmate workers) will pick up and do your laundry -- uniforms and whites -- every day. Obviously, the ICJ feels it's very important that their inmate workers look and smell clean; some of them work in Animal Control, at the Drain Commissioner's office, or out in the world -- and we couldn't leave the impression that inmates at the jail aren't cared for, could we?

Taking your meds

2008-10-12T01:36:00.001-04:00

A surprising number of inmates are on prescription medicines. It might be 1/4 of the inmates, or more. If you're on a prescription medicine, have your loved ones bring each med in its bottle to the jail. The medical staff will set things up so that you get each med as prescribed, morning, noon, 6:00 p.m., and bedtime They will refill the prescription if necessary. They will set you up on a morning, noon, night schedule as your scripts require.

Now that you have your scripts set up, let's talk about how the guards deliver the meds. Some guards care. They make sure to contact each inmate individually, even waking them up if need be. It's actually a lot of work for the guards, and, to the ones who care about taking this task seriously, I thank you.

Other guards do not care. They walk through the dorm and say "Meds!" If you are asleep or you are in your room not paying attention, they just walk on through, and you don't get your prescribed meds.

Some guards make sure to offer Tylenol or aspirin as they pass through. Many inmates have aches and pains, from the thin mattresses or maybe from their work shifts. Take a pain pill if you need it; it can help you sleep.

Getting your meds is very important -- meds for HIV, or antibiotics, or meds you take due to mental illness. But it's a fact: some guards do not give a good god damn if you get the medicines you need.

One guard is especially lazy. If you are asleep when this guard walks through with medicines, you will miss your needed meds. She just says "meds" -- and if you are asleep or in your bed reading and don't hear her, you don't get the meds you should at that time of day. Other guards -- the ones who are not assholes -- care if the inmates get the medicines they need. The Ingham County Jail is adjacent to the county dog pound. A humane jail would ensure that the inmates receive the same care that they give next door at the animal shelter. After all, we inmates deserve at least as careful care as our fellow animals.

It's a good idea to double check your meds. I asked a guard if he'd write down the meds and dosages the jail had me on. He asked for a kite, and when I made the request, he carefully wrote down each med, its dosage, and when it was to be given. I was getting 1/2 the prescribed dose of one med, and I was able to kite the medical staff and get things fixed.

It's especially strange that each guard seems to be able to use his or her own method for delivering meds. The guards are inconsistent in how they deliver the meds. One guard carries the meds in his pocket, and walks through your dorm to administer meds individually. Other guards use a medicine cart, with little compartments for each inmate on meds. No hospital would allow nurses to make up their drug delivery protocol.

The ICJ needs to adopt a consistent protocol for delivering meds, to ensure that each guard follows that protocol, and to ensure that every inmate gets his or her meds as prescribed.

Your daily schedule

2008-10-10T21:12:00.000-04:00

You're going to eat and live like your grandmother. The ICJ staff work 12 hour shifts, changing at 6:00 a.m. and p.m. You'll have breakfast at around 5:30 a.m., lunch at around 10:30 a.m., and dinner at around 4:30 p.m.

If you are in a dorm with a TV, they'll turn it on in the morning sometime, typically after lunch. The TV will remain on all day (unless you piss the guards off) until 11:00 p.m. at night.

The jail has "quiet time" twice a day, corresponding with the shift change. During quiet time you need to be in your cell. Most likely you'll get in bed and sleep.

So what about the rest of the day? You will probably sleep more in jail than at home. Your fellow inmates will be up yammering, sometimes past 11:00 p.m.

Your meals -- and your Sally Port

2008-10-09T20:08:00.000-04:00

You're going to hear a term that goes back centuries: "sally port" or "sally porter." What does this mean?

sal·ly port (plural sal·ly ports)

noun Definition: opening in fort to sally from: an opening in a fortification from which the defenders can make sallies

The sally port is the slot in the door to your cell through which you will get food. And the sally porter is the ICJ worker who will deliver the food to you. Actually in many dorms the guard will open the door and hold it open until every inmate can take his tray. The sally port worker is also responsible for the general condition of each dorm; he brings you the mop, bucket and cleaning supplies twice a day.

You will be fed according to this schedule: breakfast at 6:00 a.m., lunch at about 10:30 a.m., and dinner at 5:00 p.m. or so. Yes, this is the schedule your grandparents follow. It also seems to work with the 12 hour shifts the guards follow.

Who prepares the food? It's also trustees, that is to say, inmates assigned to kitchen duty. They have to prepare 700 or more meals every morning, noon, and night.

The meals are delivered on trays with built-in partitions for food. The tray is your plates. The food consists of: meat or protein item; potato, rice, or starch item; additional vegetable item, maybe spinach; dessert item, maybe canned fruit or maybe sugar cookies; driink -- either milk or a grape drink that is sugar water, with no nutritional value shown on the label.

In order to be fed, you'll line up at the dorm door and the sally port hands each inmate his meal in turn. The trays can be sloppy, as liquid splashes under your tray from the one stacked beneath. You are not given a napkin, so you'll either use toilet paper or your uniform to soak it up.

When I was an inmate at the Ingham County Jail, I made it a point to always thank the sally porter for delivering my meal. Oddly, I don't think most of them noticed or cared. They were too busy working to even realize someone was thanking them.

Yes, there's TV in jail -- but don't pick CNN

2008-10-08T01:32:00.000-04:00

Quick. The guard rushes in, and asks you to pick a TV channel. You have 5 seconds.

If you are unsentenced, you will have television. Or, if you are sentenced and you are assigned to Post 10, the work area, you will have TV.

PICK A CHANNEL, damn it! If you're in an area that has TV, you need to understand the rules.

You're not at home on the couch with your remote control, dude. You don't control the channel. The choice of channel will happen only a few times per day. If your guard is an asshole -- and 1/4 of the guards are assholes -- you and your fellow inmates may only choose one channel for the entire day.

So let's be smart and pick a channel that everyone agrees upon. You won't have the luxury of looking at the on-screen channel guide. A helpful former inmate has made a printed guide using his rubber pencil, and your fellow inmates have memorized their favorite channels.

We're all sports fans, right. So let's pick ESPN Sportscenter, right? We'll watch sports news all day, right? Wrong! Most days, ESPN runs the same sports news stories over and over. It's a loop that repeats every 30 minutes. The only time your fellow inmates will like this choice is when ESPN actually is carrying a game -- or maybe on a football Saturday when they show Gameday. But on your typical day, ESPN sucks after 30 minutes.

For God's sake don't pick CNN or the History Channel. I made the mistake of asking for CNN and another inmate went apoplectic, and threatened a fight. The safe bet channels are TNT or Spike. You're in jail, and your fellow inmates may not be the sharpest knives in the drawer.

The guards hold TV as a club over your head. TV watching hours are usually from lunch time till 11:00 p.m., time for lights out. If there's disorder in your dorm, the guard will punish the group by witholding TV, maybe even for a day or more. It's a powerful weapon; jail without television is far more boring.

In Post 10, the workers' post, there is a television room with two TVs. One is typically on sports, with the sound muted. The other is typically on, you guessed it, the History Channel.

The guards; some are decent; some are assholes

2008-10-06T20:16:00.002-04:00

You have to wonder who decides to go into this line of work. Who wants to be a jail guard? (According to one rumor, at least one female guard is a former stripper. I wonder what changed her career counselor's mind?)

It turns out only a fraction of the guards are assholes. My estimate is that about 1/4 of the guards qualify.

So that means 3/4 are pretty decent folks. They have a day job, just as you once did. They go about their daily rounds. Their work day is pretty busy, actually. As I think about it, they not only face a busy day, they also must deal with misfits, miscreants, and criminals.

Yet the good guards are civil. They answer questions. If you are in an unsentenced dorm -- that is, if you have television -- they patiently ask you and your fellow inmates what channel you want to watch. If you ask a question, they don't ridicule your or put you down; they answer it if they can. In general, the good guards seem to actually care about the inmates. And no, the decent guards are not lax about the rules.

As to the assholes:

I really wanted not to name names, but this guy is so famously a jerk. Everyone knows how angry he is, though we don't know why for sure. Ask him a polite question -- do you think MSU will beat Ohio State in the football game? -- and he will say "I don't give a flying fuck." The rumor is his wife left him for another woman. Should I name him?
One female guard is a real bitch. Another female guard who looks a lot like her is much nicer. At first you think that one guard is bipolar because her mood varies so much. Then you realize that these are two women -- sisters. It is a genetic conundrum. The bitch is just totally full of hostility. You wonder who shit on her cereal each morning. She just exudes anger for no reason at all, whether it's about changing the television channel, or the weather, or whatever. You honestly wonder why this woman is so full of hatred. Listen, bitch, we all breathe the same air.
The deaf lady. OK, she is half an asshole. Wait a minute, I'm not sure what that means. Hmmm. She actually is a pretty sweet older lady, but she can't hear, and this makes her frustrated. Her hearing aids don't do the trick, and she takes her frustration out on the inmates.
Then there's the drunk. One female guard comes to work drunk, and drinks during her shift. You can smell vodka on her breath, despite the masking perfume. And she's a mean drunk, so by the end of her shift, she's joined the ranks of the assholes.

I don't mean to pick on women here. The first guard I described, a male, displays much more hostility than the others combined.

The bowels of the jail

2008-10-05T11:39:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is about your bowels. It's not something I care to discuss, but during your stay at the Ingham County Jail, you will spend more time contemplating your digestive tract than you ever did at summer camp. Your fellow inmates will try to emit the loudest farts ever heard. They will celebrate when they can let loose the smelliest farts. They will walk over to the door of the next dorm and fart into their space.

Over and over again, guys will let loose a fart, and everyone will laugh as if it's the most original joke anyone ever told.

And you'll become obsessed with your bowels. There's something about jail food that causes constipation. You may go a day or two without a bowel movement. You will find yourself discussing your bowels more than the oldest geezer at the old folks' home.

There. I said it. It's not my favorite subject. I can't explain it -- it just is what it is.

You won't starve: meals at the Ingham County Jail

2008-10-04T17:31:00.003-04:00

... but you will lose weight. Assuming you're an average size male, you'll be fed a diet that's intended for someone 20% lighter.

This is intentional. If you are a regular inmate, this forces you to buy food from the commissary. I'll explain how that works in another posting. By feeding you less than you need to maintain your weight, the Ingham County Jail ensures that inmates will spend precious money on honey buns, granola bars, or peanut butter crackers.

If you're lucky, after a while, you may become a jail worker, known in other places as "trustee" status. If you do, they will feed you more. They'll add a sandwich to the too-little hot meal. If you've worked hard that day, say, shoveling snow, they may even give you an extra meal.

The bottom line: if you are a regular inmate, ICJ won't feed you enough food, so you'll have to buy snacks to get the calories a typical person needs. If you become a worker, ICJ will feed you more. After all, if you starve the ox he can't work.

Moving to "Post" -- your dorm and cell

2008-10-03T17:48:00.001-04:00

As you fester in the holding cell, you'll hear fellow inmates speculate about "when we move to Post." This means when you'll be put in a regular "post" while you await trial or sentencing.
Like most jails, ICJ evolved over decades, with newer sections, known as posts, added over the years. So you'll hear people talk about Post 3 or Post 7. Think of it as a Post, a Dorm, and a Cell. For instance, you are assigned to Post 3, Dorm D, and bed 2.

When called -- and this could take hours -- you'll go to "Classification" and sit at a desk with a guard asking you questions. The most important question is whether you want to kill yourself. The correct answer to this is "No." (Be my guest if you wish to explore what happens when you say otherwise.) The guard will, based on the crime you're charged with, assign you a level of security risk, from low to high. Lower is obviously better; if you're assigned to a high security area, you'll be in a dorm with people who will beat you up with no excuse.

A guard will take your mug shot and prepare a wrist band with your photo, name, and inmate number on it. Your inmate number will be the same on any future visits to ICJ.

You'll also be given a uniform. If you are lucky, you'll get a two piece uniform; if you're not lucky, you'll get the typical jumpsuit. (They don't fit well. Prepare to have your voice go up an octave or two.)

You'll be given a pair of flimsy plastic flip-flop sandals. One of the brands they use has molded into the sole "Bob Barker." Yes, the former host of The Price Is Right has a side business providing shoes to the inmates of the land.

You'll also be given your "linens" -- a threadbare blanket, two ragged sheets, a washcloth, a flimsy towel, and a small laundry bag. Along with the linens you'll get a plastic bag containing the world's smallest toothbrush, a tiny tube of toothpaste, and a small bar of soap.

Now you're ready to go to Post. You and some fellow inmates will go to a checkpoint, and then you'll move to jail for real. Along the way to your dorm, the guard will have you pick up a mattress and a very, very thin pillow. You're on your way to your new home, a jail cell.

Your first night at the Ingham County Jail

2008-10-02T15:38:00.000-04:00

You didn't plan on being arrested, did you?

But you invaded someone's home, or you picked a fight at Rick's, or you got pulled over for drunk driving. You may have spent a couple hours in lockup in East Lansing, or overnight in Lansing. But you're on the way to the Ingham County Jail, 630 North Cedar Street, Mason, Michigan 48854.

You're probably crammed into the back of a Chevy Impala police cruiser. If you're tall, good luck -- it's a cramped ride. Your hands are cuffed behind your back and your wrists may be bleeding.

You'll probably have some time to contemplate things on your ride to Mason. If it's your first trip to jail, you wonder how you managed to fuck your life up so badly. You just feel miserable. You may wish you were dead. But you're not dead, and you're not even dying. You're just going to jail.

When you arrive at the jail, the police car will pull into a secure garage. You're seated in the right rear of the car. The cop will open the door and tell you to get out. You're about to enter the Ingham County Jail. A guard will buzz to let you and your friendly police officer inside. You're in a small vestibule behind a secure window.

Get ready to have your shoe laces and any other strings cut off and thrown away. If you are wearing a $300 North Face parka, say goodbye to the fancy elastic cords. They don't want you to hang yourself.

After initial processing, your new best friend the cop will deposit you inside the holding area. You will sit on a bench and stare at guards inside a wire cage. You see holding cells with inmates inside. They stare at you and you stare back. They are just a little bit further along in the process than you are.

If you chose to be arrested on a busy night, you'll likely spend the entire night in one of the holding cells. Each cell is about 15 feet square. It has a metal combination toilet / sink. Don't expect a warm fuzzy toilet seat or any privacy.

And don't expect any comfort. If you manage to get some sleep, you'll be on a concrete bench or the concrete floor. The guard may give you a threadbare blanket.

There's a clock up on the wall. Enjoy the privilege of knowing what time it is. You'll want time to move fast, but it'll move as slowly as you've ever known in your life. Later, when you move to "post" as they call it, you will long to know what time it is. There are no clocks inside -- and don't bother asking a guard what time it is.

Welcome to the Ingham County Jail

2008-10-01T15:26:00.008-04:00

Jesus Christ! I'm in jail! This is how you'll feel when you first find yourself in jail. Here are some things you need to know if:

You're going to be an inmate at the Ingham County Jail.

You have a friend or relative who is a guest at the Ingham County Jail, aka the Mason Marriott.

You're curious what it's like to be a prisoner at the Ingham County Jail.

Let's spend 31 days together at the Ingham County Jail. Let's call it ICJ for short. Let's explore what it's like to become an inmate at ICJ. Let's learn how some guards are decent and others are assholes.

Take some time now to learn what it's like to be in jail. Once you are in jail, the only thing you'll have on your hands is time.

After our 31 day guided tour, we'll open up this blog for ongoing discussion about life at the Ingham County Jail.